The Torture Chambers
by Wind-Writer
Summary: A story where we get to torture the characters and has no plot that we know of. Those without humor here be warned. PG just to be safe. Formaly under ElvenWitch2
1. AN and Disclamer

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. . . . . . Authors note and disclaimer.  
  
We don't and will never own anything of J.K. Rowling though we may wish we did. We do own ourselves and have not sold them to anyone else.  
  
If you like stories that have a wonderful plot then this story is not for you, but if you are one of the few who like idiocy and sarcasm in their story then you must read this. Flamers go to Bob the Balrog (even though this is not a LOTR fic). Review if you like it. Review if it is okay. Review if you hate it and only then can you stop reading. . . . . . . . .  
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	2. Puff

The Torture Chamber  
  
Hello and welcome to the torture chambers of fan fiction, where the authors get to torture the characters as well as you. Mwahahahahahah!!!  
  
**Audience sees 2 authors come onto the stage carrying a hangman post.** Leo: No hangman posts will be hurt during this fan fic, though we cant say the same for all the characters.  
  
Chris: **cackles evilly**  
  
Leo **mumbles under breath ** now who do we need? Hmmmmm.  
  
Chris: Hmmmm.  
  
Leo: **Whips out pad of paper** Start listing Chrisy.  
  
Chris: But wait! First we need the door.  
  
Leo: **blinks** the door? What door?  
  
Chris: This door! Bring out the door people!  
  
**Stage crew come in carrying large door** Chris: easyyyy there. Set it down over in the middle of nowhere.  
  
**Stage crew shrugs and sets door down** Leo:**Sweatdrop** oookay.. Now the necessities. Ummm we need Harry and.  
  
The Door: SLAM  
  
Chris: Harry but, but why HIM? **eyes glisten with tears**  
  
Leo: **sighs** because it's a Harry Potter fic you idiot! Now go get him!  
  
Chris: **pouts**fine I'll go let him in. **walks to door in the middle of nowhere and opens it.** Come in Harry!  
  
Harry:**looks around** Ahhhhhhhh! Not another interview! **Turns around and tries to open the door in the middle of nowhere.**  
  
Chris: Not so fast scar boy **points evil finger of doom at him and starts muttering under breath. Suddenly purple smoke comes out of nowhere and wraps around Harry.  
  
Harry: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK**Screaming like a girl** I'm turning into Puff the Magic Dragon Leo:**Spies Puff (Harry) and screams** PUFF! **Starts singing the theme song of Puff while trying to climb on his back.**  
  
Puff: SAVE ME!!  
  
Chris: Why should I **Pulls out huge tub of ice cream and spoon and starts eating while singing you SCREAM I SCREAM we all SCREAM for ICE CREAM!  
  
Puff (Harry): because I know who you like and I can tell everyone.  
  
Chris: **Shifty glance. Flicks hand and Puff's mouth is covered in duck tape** did you know that duck tape is a girl guides best friend and it has a connection with wavy lays!  
  
Leo: Wait a sec is this one of your speeches? **Is hugging puff so tightly that he is turning blue. **  
  
Chris: **Grins evilly** Yep! Anyway back to what I was saying because I was so rudely interrupted. Duck tape and wavy lays are very important to the human psychological needs. They are very tasty and useful, such as . Blah blah blah blah blah blah. **Suddenly stops and sees the audience sleeping.**  
  
Audience: SNORE  
  
Chris: **Pulls out megaphone** WAKE UP! nice echo.  
  
Leo: Give me that! **Grabs megaphone out of Chris's hand and sticks it in puffs ear** I LOVE YOU PUFF!!  
  
Puff: ..Ow. **Faints**  
  
Leo: **squish**  
  
Chris: Oh no. **Fake crying** I believe Leo has just been Squished! I must call on the door in the middle of nowhere!  
  
Audience: Why?  
  
Chris: Who knows?  
  
One audience member: Because your friend was just squished by puff the magic dragon.  
  
Leo: What? I was squished? Oh yah. **Squish**  
  
Puff:**Stands up a squished Leo on his back**  
  
Leo: I'm squished? Oooooh PUFF!  
  
Puff: **Looks at Chris pleadingly**  
  
Chris: **Sighs** Fine Ill change you back. **waves hand and puff turns back into Harry**  
  
Harry + Leo: AHHHHHHHHH! **Fall in a heap on the floor.**  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And so ends part one of The Torture Chamber  
  
Someone in background: **laughs evilly** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: Kinda weird, but hey, who cares. ^_^ Review 


	3. The Frying Pan

The Torture Chambers  
  
**Curtain opens and audience sees three figures on-stage. Two girls and one boy, the boy is chain bound to a chair**  
  
Leo: Welcome to the second chapter of the torture chambers!!  
  
Chris: Dun Dun Boingy.  
  
Leo: Wrong sound effect Chris!!!  
  
Chris: Sorry here, Dun Dun Thud.  
  
Leo: **Chris drops an anvil on her head** owwww  
  
**Curtains close**  
  
**Audience hears whispered voices**  
  
Oh my god, that wasn't supposed to happen!  
  
I'm so sorry!  
  
Sure, just wait till I get my hands on you.  
  
Should I be running now?  
  
You bet!  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
~Half an hour later~  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
~Another half an hour later~  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Oh sorry Harry! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
~ And another half an hour later~  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Thud  
  
**Curtains open and audience sees Leo holding a frying pan with a big grin plastered all over her face. Underneath her was a very, unconscious, Chris.**  
  
Leo: We will be right back after this break.  
  
Harry: We are proudly sponsored by Frying Pans, the best weapon on hand. As well as Bertie Botts Every Flavoured Beans.  
  
Leo: Awwwwwwwww look what a good prisoner he's turning out to be!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coffee Break ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Leo: I don't drink coffee! **Turns to Harry** How am I supposed to have a coffee break when I DON'T DRINK COFFEE???????!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: I don't know so don't ask me.  
  
Leo: WELL SOMEONE IS GOING TO FIX IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**Stage hands scramble to go fix it**  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hot Chocolate Break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Leo: That's better. Now, on with the show.  
  
Chris: Look at all the pretty starrys. **lifts head, looks around, falls back down, groans**  
  
Leo: Oh come on Chris I didn't hit you that hard.  
  
Chris:**Moans** I think I have a concussion.  
  
Leo: Well that's just too bad because we need to call in our next character, or should I say, Victim. **Evil world domination laugh** Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha**Pause** Or do you like Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha better? Anyway.  
  
Audience: all right are you feeling okay?  
  
Leo: Of course you bunch of idiots your supposed to shrink back in fear!!!!  
  
Audience:**Shrinks back in mock fear** Oh no!!  
  
Leo: That's better!  
  
Chris: Look at all the pretty starrys. **lifts head, looks around, falls back down, groans**  
  
Leo: Umm okay, It's time to call in- Rock, no wait it's Rose, no, nooooo that's a girl's name it's Ryan, no that can't be right it's gotta be Rat! No Oh I got it it's RAN!!!!!!! Ran, yes I remember now!!  
  
Chris: **Still in a daze** no it's Ron!  
  
Leo: Ohh yes Ron, I knew that all along didn't I Harry!  
  
Harry: Whatever.  
  
Leo: No one believes me these days!  
  
Harry:**mumbling** I wonder why?  
  
Leo: What!!  
  
Harry: nothing!**looks extremely guilty**  
  
Leo: Good! Now, Chris, go get Ran, I mean Ron.  
  
Door: SLAM!  
  
Chris: **Not walking in a straight line somehow makes it over to the door and opens it.** Hi Ron **Falls unconscious on the floor**  
  
Ron:**looks around**Um.where am I??  
  
Harry: Ron!! Run there all insane!! Go while you still can!!  
  
Leo: SHUT UP!!! **snaps fingers and Harry is gagged** That's better! **turns around and sees Ron running away** Hey where do you think your going mister??!! **snaps fingers again and frying pan appears in hand**  
  
Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Leo:**tries to hit Ron with the frying pan, but misses and hits Harry instead** Oh sorry Harry!!!  
  
Chris: **starts to get up** look at all the pretty.**WHAM** owww ** sinks back down to floor**  
  
Leo: Oh my gosh!!! I'm sooooooo sorry Chris!!!  
  
Ron: **runs into audience** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Leo:** runs after him and accidentally hits a audience member over the head with the frying pan** **WHAM** Sorry, sorry, sorry.  
  
Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Leo: **Accidentally hits another audience member** Oh My Gosh!!! I swear that was an accident  
  
Ron:**stops gasps for breath and then starts running again** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Leo: **WHAM** Sooo sorry **WHAM** Sorry I was aiming for Ron **WHAM** Please don't sue me sue him!!! **WHAM** Sorry I didn't see you there!  
  
Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... Faints from exhaustion and lack of air.  
  
Leo: **Gasping for air** I **gasp** always **gasp** win!!! **gasp** **Also faints**  
  
**Curtains close**  
  
Disembodied voice: Tune in next time to see what happens to Ron!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: Hope it was insane enough for you!! Flames go to Bob The Balrog.(even though this isn't a Lord of the Rings fic) Just wait until next time!! Dun, Dun, Crash!!! ^_^  
  
Chris: Look at all the pretty starrys. **lifts head, looks around, falls back down, groans** 


	4. The Earring

The Torture Chambers Part #3 dun dun smash  
  
Chris: I am soooo sorry!!!  
  
**Curtains Open**  
  
Leo: Welcome to the third part of our show.  
  
Chris: **Shouting at top of lungs** Guess what!  
  
Leo: **Groans**  
  
Audience: What!  
  
Chris: One day Harry **shoots glance at chained figure** and Ron were eating food that did not exist while sitting at a long rectangular table that did not exist. Then the two of them got up from the table that did not exist and went to a door that did not exist. Through the door that did not exist they met Hermione who at the moment did not exist. This story does not exist. And that is the end of the non-existing story.  
  
Audience: Wowwwwwwww.  
  
Leo: What in the world, that doesn't make sense. How can you tell a story that doesn't exist!  
  
Chris:**Shrug**  
  
Leo: I'm developing a headache! Anyway we need someone as a guest star for the show. How about Ran.  
  
Chris: But we've already used RON for our insane purposes! **Points to unconscious figure behind curtains**  
  
Leo: Oh, right, I knew that!  
  
Audience: Sure you did.  
  
Leo: I did. **Looks offended** Right well doesn't he have brothers or something?  
  
Chris: Well ya, I think.  
  
Leo: What do you mean you think! You don't think at all!  
  
Chris: Oh ya!  
  
Leo: ya!  
  
Chris: Oh ya!  
  
Leo: ya!  
  
Chris: Oh ya!  
  
Leo: ya!  
  
Chris: Oh ya!  
  
Leo: ya!  
  
Chris: Oh ya!  
  
Leo: ya!  
  
Audience: Ahem! **Clears Throat**  
  
Leo & Chris: He he sorry.  
  
Chris: Jinx!  
  
Leo: I don't do jinx!  
  
Chris: **Rolls eyes** Sure you don't.  
  
Leo: Anyway give me one of his brother's names.  
  
Chris: Umm I think one is Bill?  
  
Door: SLAM  
  
Chris: I guess I was right.  
  
Leo: Right about WHAT?  
  
Chris: That his name is Bill!  
  
Leo: Whatever **Walks over to door and opens it** Hello Boll!  
  
Bill: **Standing in the door looking dazed** It's Bill.  
  
Leo: Bill, Boll what's the difference!  
  
Bill: What am I doing here? And where am I? Chris: You, are in what is most commonly known as-  
  
Leo: Shut up and let me say it! **Whacks Chris over the head with a, say it with me, frying pan.** You're in The Torture Chambers  
  
Chris: **falls to the ground in a heap**  
  
Bill: Are you Insane!?  
  
Leo: Why yes, I do believe I am.  
  
Bill: **Runs over** You could have hurt her!  
  
Leo: Isn't that what friends are for?  
  
Bill: **Leans over Chris concerned** Are you alright?  
  
Leo: **Brings beaker of bubbling liquid out from behind her back** She will be if she drinks this. **Cough Cough**  
  
Harry: Where did that beaker come from?  
  
Ron: **Wakes up. In faint voice** Don't trust her Bill!  
  
Bill: Did I hear something?  
  
Leo: No It was only the voices in your puny little head. **Turns to lump in curtains** Shut Up!  
  
Bill: What did you call my head?  
  
Leo: Ummm nothing. Why would I talk about your head?  
  
Bill: Never mind gimme that **Grabs beaker and pours it down Chris's throat.**  
  
Leo: Yes, my plan has worked...  
  
Random Kid in Audience: What plan?  
  
Leo: Oh just the one to make Chris obsessed over the first thing she sees. Bwahahahahahaha. Wait, why is there a kid in the audience? You shouldn't be here! Do you have a parent with you? How old are you?. Oh well!  
  
Bill: **Still leaning over Chris** What was that?  
  
Leo: Oh nothing Bill: Right. Oh wait she's waking up.  
  
Chris: Huh, Oooooooooooooh pretty earring. **reaches out to touch Bill's earring**  
  
Bill: **Jerks away**  
  
Chris: Noooooooooooo wait! **Anguished voice**  
  
Bill: Nuh-uh that's not gonna work. I have five younger siblings remember! **Starts to back away**  
  
Chris: Fine then. **Waves evil finger of doom** Abracadabra Zipidy zop, make this mean person stop!  
  
Bill: **freezes in mid step**  
  
Leo: Since when do you use rhymes?  
  
Chris: **Shrugs** Its never to late to turn over a new petal!  
  
Leo: Isn't it leaf?  
  
Chris: No! It is petal cuz I say so!  
  
Bill: Hey I'm still here you know!  
  
Leo: Oh yes I know! Mwahahahahahahahahaha  
  
Bill: Good then let me go!  
  
Leo: Umm.... The one thing I don't know is how to do that. Sorry **Coughs** not.  
  
Bill: Then find out!  
  
Leo: **Blinks** Why?  
  
Bill: Just DO IT!!! **Shouting**  
  
Leo: **Sniffle** You don't have to yell at me! **Bursts into tears**  
  
Bill: **Glances at Chris who is trying to sneak up on him and doing a very bad job of it** Look I'm sorry! But can you please, PLEASE just free me?  
  
Leo: **Sniffles** Okay. **Pulls book out of thin air and slowly begins to read**  
  
Bill: **Looks at Chris again and breaks into a sweat when he sees how close she is.** Great...now do you think you could look a little faster?  
  
Leo: **Bursts into fresh tears** I'm going as fast as I can! **Wail**  
  
Bill: Okay, Okay just calm down **Glances at Chris....** Argggggggggg  
  
Chris: **Pounces on Bill** pretty earring!  
  
Bill: NOOOOO! Get it off me! Get it off me!  
  
Leo: Why should I, you mean, mean person?  
  
Chris: Pretty pretty earring! Where'd ya get it?  
  
Bill: Well, if you must know I made it!  
  
Chris: Ooooooooooooooooh can I have it?  
  
Bill: No.  
  
Chris: **Pouts** PLEASE?  
  
Bill: NO!  
  
Chris: Will you give it to me if I let you go?  
  
Bill: Well.....................  
  
Chris: **Grins** Yay!! **Takes spell off Bill**  
  
Bill: **Gets up and dusts himself off.**  
  
Chris: Now hand it over!  
  
Bill: No.  
  
Chris: Bu-but y-you said!!!!!  
  
Bill: No I didn't.  
  
Chris: **glares**  
  
Bill: Don't look at me like that...its true!  
  
Chris: Mew (A/N that's her battle cry ^_^) **Pounces on Bill** Bill: Argggggggggggggggg  
  
~~~The curtain closes and the audience hears the sounds of a struggle and then...Ah-ha!~~~ The curtain opens~~~  
  
Chris: **Sitting on Bill and holding earring** Now all I need to do is get my ear pierced! **Wanders off stage grinning**  
  
Leo: Ahem, well that was interesting. Tune in next time to see Percy get off his **Cough Cough** buttocks to come and join us! **Grins evilly** Bubi!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: Hope you liked it. Sorry it took so long to update. The next one should be up soon! Adios  
  
Chris: Where can I get my ears pierced? ^_^ 


End file.
